I am trying to keep it together so people won't get mad at me for falling apart. The semester's almost over and I don't think I've accomplished anything. I feel less certain, more pessimistic.

Drugs, Sex, and Snow

Over the long weekend, some friends and I headed to snow country. I even brought The Boy with me. (I was surprised he even wanted to go.) I got to ski for the first time in years! It was incredible. Getting back on those skis felt so natural. I actually dislike heights and found the mountain to be quite terrifying, but for some reason it didn't stop me from skiing the more challenging trails. There's nothing quite like shredding down a steep mountain. After the second day of skiing, I saw snowing mountains when I closed my eyes. I can't wait to go back. I can't figure out why haven't I skiied in so long. I had a really good time and so did everyone else.

discomfort

Life has been shallow. I feel like I can't devote too much of myself to anything for fear of losing myself. I'm always in a rush, anxious to say goodbye and move on. I want to be more involved but I feel too passive, rushed.

addiction

My weekend is waking up with you, watching you leave, and yearning to see you again really soon. I feel helplessly dependent on you, similar to how you are addicted to hash (which I might be too).
Late at night when you're finally in my arms again, I fall asleep on your lap as you endlessly talk about everything. I don't get a word in. I'm too tired but happy.

Bonfire

The first week back at school feels like constant fun. Classes are in their earlier boring introductory stages so I have a lot of free time to dream and apply for research apprenticeships. When I wasn't in class, there was always some sort of mind-altering substance to ingest. Still, classes aren't exactly fun. I get up way too early everyday and can't stay up as late as I'd want to. So when my friend invited me to the beach for a bonfire last night, it seemed like a perfect way to begin the weekend. It was excellent, even if we were pestered by the police twice and got cited. The moon was high and the waves were crashing. The wind was strong and the smoke got in my eyes. I was cold but drunk and high, and there was a hot fire in front of me. I had so much fun stomping out the remnants of the fire.

uncertainties

The pessimist in me suspects you are absolutely be no good for me, while the realist argues the same could be said about anyone and the optimist doesn't care because of how I feel about you. I can't say I love you now, but that's not to say I never did. I like you very much, enough to want to see you and hear you and touch you and taste you and to want you to see me and hear me and touch me and taste me. Sometimes you scare me though. It's not that I think you will hurt me. It's just that sometimes I don't know what you are doing or why you are doing it.

driving

I had my first driving lesson yesterday. It was absolutely terrifying, as I have never been behind the wheel of a moving vehicle, but at the same time it was completely exhilarating. I gripped that wheel hard and stared fiercely at the road ahead of me. I didn't want to take my eyes off of it, but that's not really how driving works. After the lesson was over, I wanted to drive more but my parents didn't want to accompany me, as usual. And so it seems I will probably never get any practice, and then my permit will eventually expire... Oh well. Even if I never get my license, at least I know the basics.